It was a restful night in your small bed, followed by an early wake up and a game of Flugi Karten before breakfast. The house had a deck of cards with aeroplane pictures which proved unbelievably entertaining for some.

The morning brought clouds and light rain. One of the farm's many big bees joined you at the breakfast table outside, keeping under cover while buzzing loudly around the jam jar. The family sisters — who seemed to have multiplied since yesterday — tried to play with May. She was still not having a bar of it.

In search of adventure (and a place called Šiško) you drove further into the hills. The road was decent at first but it quickly got rough and muddy. You were having a ball — dodging rocks and potholes — while others hung on for the ride.

By the time the road became questionably (un)safe, you arrived at your destination — Šiško Lake: an ugly pond in the wind and rain. Yay Montenegro.

Since you had made it this far, you decided to wander about and admire the scenery. It continued to rain just enough to justify a rain coat, but too much for an outdoors picnic. You snacked under the awning of an old farm house while watching some sheep walk past.

Just over the next hill was a pretty lake (apparently) named Ševarinsko. However, swamp would have been a better description.

Back at the car you met an old lady out picking berries. She asked if she could have a lift back down the road, making herself understood with hand gestures and noises.

At her stop she gestured that your driving almost put her to sleep. Ha! You took it as a huge compliment.

Berane Town

Berane has free parking on Sundays. Taking advantage of this, you visited the town centre and had a walk about. First impressions: not much going on.

• Berane's central mall had a typical set of small-town shops:
• A newsagency that sold lottery tickets and cigarettes
• A toyshop with age-faded plastic playthings
• Five coffee shops that turn into bars at night
• Two supermarkets, one slightly fancier than the other
• Seventeen out of business shopsfronts full of dust

Walking to the edge of town, over the river and up Jasikovac Hill you found Споменик на брду Јасиковац (Monument to Freedom). It was a nice place in the forest to play.

That afternoon back in Lubnice village you walked around the farms and played into the school yard. Plum trees were everywhere, most drooping under the weight of their own fruit. It was a relaxing, sunny afternoon. Village life can be a nice alternative to busy city life.

After eating a big breakfast (specially couriered up from Birane) you continued your journey south towards the coast. There were many mountains and several spomeniks on the way.

You drove past Knjaževac park to see the Spomenik palim borcima i žrtvama fašizma (Monument to fallen fighters and the victims of fascism) and then took the mountain pass over Trešnjevek.

The pass was steep, windy and shrouded in cloud. The narrow road meandered up the valley hillsides, which were covered in thick green forest (not that you could see much of it). Was well worth seeing conditions permitting.

Kolašin

Kolašin was the next tiny town sporting a bakery, a playground and a Spomenik. It was doing much better for itself than Berane — perhaps a superficial impression, but it just seemed to have more life to it.

You grabbed some food form the bakery and ate lunch in the park near the spomenik / building thingy. See Spomen-Dom for more info.

Morača River

Kolašin's elevation was a thousand meters above sea level, so some significant descension was demanded. The first eight hundred meters cascaded down a racetrack-like road into a canyon to meet the Morača River.

With almost one kilometre of vertical rock towering to the left and right, you felt somewhat insignificant. Quoting Wikipedia: This road is considered very dangerous. Yep. Montenegro recognised the need for a bypass, which was under construction at the bottom. One more spomenik and onto the next stop.

Glamping at OK Koral

Glamping (portmanteau for glamorous camping) is a form of accomodation for those who like to wear hiking books but not necessarily get then dirty. Still, a few days easy camping was welcome.

Ok Koral is an organic farm with room for camping situated near Skardar Lake in desparate need of better signage; i.e.: you had trouble finding the place. Fair enough because it required a (dry) river crossing!

The camp was airy and open and the tent was spacious and comfortable. The moment you arrived, May started picking and eating grapes off the vine (which was allowed). It was a really nice place!

Montenegro glamping was on Italian time: half of your 7:30 breakfast was served sometime after 8, with the rest arriving closer to 9. Few were concerned; everyone had grapes.

You met up with the others in Virpazar — a very inconveniently placed town. It was situated beside a highway on the other side of the train tracks with no safe way to cross either. The car park was over a buggered bridge with holes open to the river below. Why were there so many tourists here?

You drove up the hill and went for a little hike up Vrsuta Mountain. The trail was amazing! It was lined with bushes overflowing with boysenberries, and the view was fantastic. Your progress may have been slow but your appetite was sated.

Some Dude's House in Godinje

Seeking more spomeniks and something to drink, you drove to a cafe near the lake (some bloke who served food & drink). You found a nice shady spot under a kiwi vine to rest a spell, before venturing toward the lake.

Skadar is not an easily accessible lake. Most of it is rimmed by a twenty metre wide marsh, and the rest is protected wetland. You spotted the spomenik and called it a day.

You wrapped up the day's adventures with a visit to the camp's organic garbage disposal (the pig pen) and then watched two stray kittens climbing on the awnings above the restaurant. The kittens were trying to keep their distance from the bitchy resident cat, who was defending its territory an being a real bastard. You wanted to kick it.

The stars were beautiful that night.

Your journey to the ocean was only one Tunel Sozina away! Finally, the Montenegrin coast — in all its overcrowded, hyper-touristic, overpriced wonder — was before you. Wait... Why did you want to come here again?

From Bar (town) you went up to Stari Bar: the once abandoned, now repopulated old-town of old stone castles ruins and souvenir shops. It was very, very hot.

To cool, you jumped into the ooshen at beach made of big rounds rocks. Very pretty. Very awkward to walk over.

Olive Grove Bungalows

Heading south, you arrived in Ulcinj and found the Olive Grove. A signpost would have been helpful — thanks Montenegro. It was a very relaxing place shaded by beautiful olive trees with sea views and a pleasant breeze. Damn, what a cool place!

You had a nap before heading out to explore.

Valdanos bay

Valdanos is a beach and an olive producing region near Ulcinj. While it was certainly worth the price of entry (free) and a pretty place, it wasn't much of a swimming spot.

The Montenegrin coast has a lot to see; this particular sight could be considered optional and if you have the time.

Ulcinj

Ulcinj (Улцињ [ǔlt͡siɲ]) is the southernmost spot along the Montenegrin coast before entering Albania. It is a tourist destination for the beaches and probably many other reasons (you never stayed long enough to discover).

To enter Ulcinj one must fight through chaotic traffic, fight for a car park and fight past the mobs of ice-cream-eating tourists blocking the footpaths. The place felt and looked like a circus: a loud, crowded, over-heated flurry of random colour and motion. It was overstimulating to say the least.

The main drag was open to vehicles and pedestrians, but was only wide enough for one. Everyone was walking / driving wherever they could get away with it. It was the India of Europe.

• While walking down to the beach, you came up with some more accurate Ulcinj tourism slogans:
• Ulcinj — You'll binge! Half the shops sell only ice cream
• Ulcinj — You'll cringe! Terrible tourists and tacky trinkets
• Ulcinj — You'll singe! Its hot, hot, hot
• Ulcinj — You'll winge! (see above)

The beach, to be fair, was kinda nice in the early evening. You found a free spot to play in the dark grey sand and went for splash in the mostly calm water. May complained the waves were too rough. Awa!

You walked back through the old town castle remnants — now occupied by fancy restaurants and boutique hotels — and picked up some olives at the market. You escaped the town and its crazy traffic and enjoyed your olives in peace at the bungalow.

Long day. Good day.

The only negative aspect of the olive grove were the mosquitoes at night and the wasps during the day. If you are willing to share your blood and breakfast respectively, everyone wins.

Before departure you visited a 1400 year old olive tree with a beautiful twisted shape. Hidden sights such as this get little tourist attention, making a visit all the more worthwhile.

Bečićka Plaža Beach

Budva is a coastal town which is, by far, the most touristic place in Montenegro. With its huge hotels, sand, waves and everything in between, it fully fulfilled your every expectation. Interpret that how you wish.

You navigated the confusing back streets and dropped onto the eastern end of Bečićka plaža beach. You gorged yourselves on watermelon at Cafe Scorpion in Rafailovići before playing on the sand.

This was clearly a hot tourist destination — the sunny beach was packed! The sand was hot and almost entirely covered by beach umbrellas, ensuring your feet were well-done by the time you navigated to the shoreline. The water was also uncomfortably warm.

Underwater you found two fish, some glass bottles and someone's black panties. From the water you watched tourists spinning their selfie sticks around while turning ever-deeper shades of sunburn-red.

Budva catered to a certain type of tourist. This did not include you. 2 stars.

Farm Camp

On the extreme opposite end of the tourism spectrum are eco-hippies: people who value basic, environmentally friendly farm-based accommodation. They sounded much friendlier than bright-red beach blobs.

• Well hidden in the hills outside Kotor was the Agape Farm Camp. It seemed like a nice at first place but there were some red flags:
• It didn't have a legitimate website (FB page only)
• Farm animals roamed freely including chickens and goats
• The pit toilets were temporary structures (at best)
• Health and safety were interpreted as suggestions
• The trampoline was wobbly and the slide broke in half
• It was run by a loose collection of seasonal volunteers
• Your 3-man tent was big enough for 2 small people

The reception had a nice dining area and bar with chilled-out flair. It was a shame the place was a dump, and that your tent was too small. You considered your options...

You all slept surprisingly well until 06:49, when you were woken by the roaring engines of a commercial aircraft flying mere metres overhead. A decision was reached during breakfast: time to move on.

Secret Beach

Srawled on a scrappy piece of paper tacked to the wall at reception was a hand-drawn map to a Secret Beach. Anything this secret must be good. If nothing else, there would probably be less fat tourists there.

After parking the car on top an ants nest, you set off along a rocky trail through the recently fire-swept bush. The rocks were bone-white, the grass blonde-yellow, the trees charcoal-black with new forest-green shoots and the sky was azure-blue. The intense sunshine and colour contrast made your eyes water.

Twenty minutes walking later, you found the secret beach at Uvala Maslina bay. It was deserted, clean and beautiful — what a wonderful discovery! It was magical (Charlie)!

Together with May you went for a swim and encountered a strange aquatic phenomena: a thin layer of freezing cold water (about 10 cm deep) lay on the surface, while the water below was pleasantly warm. You could even see it underwater — the transition shimmered like a mirage. Very odd. Very cool.

Swimming along the jagged rocky shoreline gave some great snorkeling sites with about forty to fifty metres visibility. There were few fish but the water-filled caves and underwater tunnels made exploration a joy.

Salty Wetland

You stocked up at a supermarket and drove to the Tivat Saline special nature reserve for lunch. It should be home to a variety of bird species, but there was bugger-all there. Must have been out of season... or no one gave the birds the memo.

Kotor

Your final Montenegrin destination was Kotor Bay — a stunningly beautiful ria (like a fjord but not a fjord) sandwiched between two vertical cliffs with a pretty old town at the end.

Accomodation was a sensible hotel near Cape Murva with running water and a bed. The moment you arrived you jumped into the bay for a refreshing swim. It was cool, clear and had things to see: fan corals, sea slugs, old bottles and piles of ceramic building materials.

That night you ate fancy calamari and watched the western mountain's shadow slowly ascend the eastern cliff face. May did some colouring and followed a cat around the car park. Both activities were satisfyingly relaxing.

The illuminated fortifications at the end of the bay and the town lights reflecting on the water at night was beautiful.

It was a good decision to abandon farm camp. Five stars.

Kotor seemed to be a tidy tourist town built on ancient Venetian stonework. Narrow corridors weaved around closely knit three-story stone buildings, each having endured multigenerational repurposing and reinvention. Nowadays they sold t-shirts and sandwiches.

Kotor port was a day-dock for cruise liners. The disproportionately big boats appeared mid-morning and dumped their cargo (-pants wearing passengers) onto the streets for a few hours play time, before smoging-off again in the afternoon. You do not approve.

You climbed up to the fortifications of Kotor — comprised of ramparts, towers, citadels, gates, bastions, forts, cisterns and San Giovanni Castle — and ate an apple in the ruins at the top. The fine weather and elevated perspective gave the perfect view over Kotor and its long bay. Definitely worth the 8 € entry.

On the way down you passed a dude's house selling cheese, tomatoes, bread and cold water. Montenegro seems to have many dudes selling basics from their backyards; it's nice. This particular dude was friendly, drinking raki at 10:30 in the morning as he went about his business.

Walking the fortifications loop dropped you back into town without any paywall in sight. Damn it — you could have visited clockwise for free! You bought some olives from the market and played in a park for a while, before having old town ice cream and heading back for a nap.

Kotor Bay Afternoon

You splashed about at Cape Murva again while watching the sun set. The cliffs' geomorphology really came alive as their tones changed from brown to orange until becoming entirely eclipsed in shadow.

You packed up your gear and went for another meal at the nearby restaurant: uncooked fish and cheap mass-production cake. Unimpressed.

You debated the concept of effort vs. efficiency principal — to make or to buy, that is the economic question. This place opted to buy crap and add their mark-up. Considering their location, the cheeky buggers could get away with it.

You had an early swim in the bay before breakfast, which consisted of tea-like coffee and Butler margarine (sneaky sneaky). You could believe it was not butter.

You drove back via Budva up a windy hill road leading into the rocky desert-like Montenegrin hills. On the way to Podgorica there was one last decaying spomenik. Without a map, these things are really easy to miss.

The споменик погинулим љешњанима spomenik (Memorial to the Fallen of the Lješanska Nahija Region) in Barutana was in the middle of nowhere surrounding by bugger all. It was a cascade of stairs adorned with bulbous alcoves and an amphitheatre at the top. About 150 cylindrical cement seats faced the grabby monument. No idea what is symbolised.

Flügi Hokey-Pokey

You made it back to Podgorica and dropped off the car, apologising for complaining so much two weeks ago. The bloke was friendly. Nice guy.

Podgorica airport was a bit odd: they let you take liquids through security, but don't let you get on the plane. When you finally do board, they changed their minds and send you back to the terminal.

When it was time to go for real, the ground staff hurried you onto the runway, the pilot blurted out something incomprehensible over the intercom and the stewards ran about sweating buckets trying to get the cabin organised. Felt a little rushed.

Holiday in Montenegro summary: a little different. Far exceeded expectations. Would recommend. 4 stars.